Two Roads.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both And be one traveler, long I stood And looked down one as far as I could To where it bent in the undergrowth; Then took the other, as just as fair, And having perhaps the better claim, Because it was grassy and wanted wear; Though as for that the passing there Had worn them really about the same, And both that morning equally lay In leaves no step had trodden black. Oh, I kept the first for another day! Yet knowing how way leads on to way, I doubted if I should ever come back. I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-- I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference. -Robert Frost

Thursday, December 10, 2015

What I HAVE learned at 30

What I HAVE learned:
1.       Wear sunscreen
a.       Oh, to be a bronzed kid…it isn’t worth the damage
2.       Eat healthy
a.       Boring, but overall it is worth it
3.       Toxic people aren’t worth it
a.       They AREN’T worth it. Ever. For any amount of time. They will suck the life out of your life and leave you when they are done.
4.       Surround yourself with people and things that make you smile
a.       Better to have 4 quarters than 100 pennies.
5.       Read more
a.       More and more and more. It expands your mind and your imagination. Don’t trust a leader who doesn’t read.
6.       Wine is worth its weight in gold
a.       Bold reds are a personal fav
7.       So is whiskey
a.       Neat please
8.       If work makes you miserable, find a new job, then QUIT
a.       A company will value you if you work hard. If they don’t find one that will.
9.       People who want to stick around WILL
a.       No. Matter. What.
10.   Invest in good friendships
a.       Bring them coffee, a card, a smile. It goes a long way in the long run.
11.   People who leave…let them go
a.       You can’t convince them to stay and if you do, you will always wonder, and so will they. Just let them go.
12.   Tell your mom you love her more
a.       Even if you are mad at her. She deserves the love.
13.   Tell your sisters you love them more
a.       The relationship is always worth more than just being “right”.
14.   Tell your family you love them more
a.       You never know when tomorrow isn’t promised.
15.   Send more handwritten letters/cards
a.       It’s a lost art that should be brought back. It is worth the five minutes.
16.   Be pickier
a.       With what you wear, where you go, who you speak with, spend time with, everything. Life is too short.
17.   Smile more
a.       Wrinkles from smiles are well earned.
18.   Workout
a.       C’est la vie. It makes a difference.
19.   Eat the damn cookie
a.       Don’t miss out on life with too strict of rules. Everything in moderation. It will be ok.
20.   Journal/write
a.       It is surprisingly therapeutically even if you aren’t a “writer”.
21.   Invest in organizing
a.       It makes everything in life easier and less stressful
22.   Let the dog on the bed
a.       He just wants to snuggle. You are his whole life while he is just a part of yours.
23.   It is ok to cry
a.       It doesn’t mean you are weak. It actually proves your strength.
24.   It is ok to not give a FUCK
a.       It really it. Easier said than done, but once you reach it…WHEW.
25.   Never stop learning
a.       Languages, music, industries, crafts, cooking, trades, etc. Something!
26.   Buy a nice mattress and sheets
a.       You spend half your life in your bed. Pamper yourself a little.
27.   99% of things can be controlled by choices
a.       This is a tough one to swallow, but it is true. You can’t control what other people do, but you can determine your own boundaries.
28.   Floss
a.       Otherwise…yuck.
29.   Get enough rest
a.       Your body will thank you for it.
30.   Don’t have too many expectations about how life should be

a.       The sneaky bastard will just end up surprising you anyways

Beautifully Broken

I have been 30 for almost five months now. I honestly, in some naïve world, thought I would turn 30 and have some great epiphanies about life. Maybe, that is a little far reaching and unrealistic, but I hoped.
                Last year before the end of the year I decided I didn’t like the direction my life was going. In many ways I was a complete mess. So, I decided with incredible veracity to do something about it. I changed everything that was in my power to change. Besides changing my number, address and work the biggest thing I did for myself was to cut the toxic people out completely. Deleted, blocked, etc. They were like an anchor on my feet and I was drowning in the ocean desperate for air. I remember waking up on New Year’s Day this year and for the first time in a long time I breathed in deep. I decided that before I turned 30 I was going to start doing things differently. But, I had no idea how difficult it would be to not only keep those toxic people locked out of my life, but how to not let new toxic people in.
                For the most part my life has changed for the better, but for some reason my heart is just as foolish as it was when I was 6 years old with a playground crush. I have been through and accomplished a lot in life. I consider myself to be blessed in the midst of all the good and bad. Somehow the humanity in me always wants to assume and hope for the best. I should really be more jaded, but for some reason I believe…have to believe...that the fairy-tale does exist. I realize it might not look how I expect it to, but it must be real. Our Once Upon a Time’s have to have stemmed from somewhere. I have found moments and glimpses of what it might look like, but through the process of finding it, my heart hurts. I have discovered that a lot of the qualities that initially draw people to me are also the same qualities that wear on them over time (independence, strength, stubbornness, ambitious, etc). As women we are often made to feel like we are ”too much and not enough” all at the same time, and it has to stop.
                The feminine heart from an early age is constantly attacked. We are told on the playground that if a boy is mean to us it must mean he likes us. This continues into adolescence where relationships are blurred. This is a time of discovery while our hearts are at one of their most vulnerable points in life. As we enter into adulthood, movies and books create this hope that things will somehow be all of a sudden different from growing up. It isn’t. The games just become more intense. 
                We try to hold out and then someone comes along…and everything changes. Or so we think. In reality we see the red flags; the jealousy, insecurity, accusations, the silent treatments and angry fights, but we convince ourselves that THIS time it has to be different. They told us it would be different and we tell ourselves it must be true. After all, we feel differently. We make excuses for their behavior and our acceptance of it. In turn we find ourselves acting out of fear and out of character. We quibble with family and friends to just give it time, it will change. And then in the blink of an eye it’s over. Not for long though. We find a reason to reconnect and the cycle starts again. The next thing we know our hearts are beat to a pulp. It takes on a form that you no longer even recognize and you are lift to pick up the pieces, alone, wondering why you didn’t stop it sooner. The circumstances would have been the same, but your heart…oh, your dear precious heart might be a little less broken and bruised. 
                Your tears sting the emotional scars you told yourself you wouldn’t put yourself through again. The experience makes you questions everything, whether it is logical or not. Worst of all it makes you question yourself. The full circle of “not enough and too much” come stealing through every memory, every moment. You tell yourself it isn’t true, but you can’t deny the fact that they left…again.

                I believe in fake it till you make it. And so with heavy doubt I have to tell myself, “Be brave dear heart…you are beautiful. You are perfectly broken. And one day, it will be different."